What Happened to Me

Some may have noticed the disappearance of writing on this blog for – well, ages. Some who have tracked me onto my Second Life blog may think I’m doing okay, but look like I have submersed myself into writing blog posts onto, and about Second life.

You’re probably right.

I had big intentions to get back into writing this month, with NaNoWriMo, almost inspired enough to join up with a supportive writing group, after attending some inspiring week-long writing workshops at the 2009 online Muse Writer’s Conference.


No excuses. No procrastination. No tricks. There were many reasons this week not to start NaNoWriMo – including the added stress of having my study sessions come down on me to be completed.


Really, it’s down to stress. My family went away for mid-term break last week, which was meant to see us relax. It had the opposite effect. More stress pored on top of sadness and stress, then this week’s study expectations, and I found myself finding that place where I just wasn’t coping very well. I leapt back to anger and fear, sadness and tears, just like I was two months ago. How easy it was to feel that hurt again, and not be able to stop it for a little while. It was scarey.

It’s been a couple of months now since the whole adoption thing fell out of the sky. We’ve not heard from our adoption social worker at all – I believe we’ve been written off. Except they did send out something in the mail – a council pamphlet on dealing with mourning. No letter, no explanation, just a brochure. My workmates and hairdressor think they know what it feels like, but nobody really does.

My family remains mourning about the death of a dream – a three year old dream. My hubbie talks of it like it’s the death of a child – that would be more easily understood by most of the people around us. But this child was intangible, we only saw him on paper, and some of those papers lied to us, as did the people we were forced to trust in.

To top it off, my next door neighbours, who have been going through infertility treatment for years, are finally pregnant, and my boss at work suffered through a miscarriage. I cried for both of them – tears of happiness that something can go right in the world for the former, tears of pain for the later. Despite what other people may think, I do still have the capacity to hurt or celebrate for others around me also.

My workmates walk around on hot coals around me, I walk around my boss and neighbours the same. But after two months my own family still seems to be working through this process in it’s own time, and we falter all the time, me in particular. Anything can set me off, yet I still work with children for a job, and feel paranoia around how people are watching if ‘I’m coping’.

Yeah, I’m coping. Slowly.

But I’m not writing much.

During Muse ‘09 I developed my two storylines further – one a steampunk fantasy, the other an urban thriller. The first I decided would be easy enough to blurt out during NaNoWriMo, but when I came back from my family un-holiday this last weekend, I’d decided against it. The other one, an urban thriller based on my own black emotions at times, is the one that calls for me. But I understand enough to realise that it’s dangerous territory at the moment, and not a novel which will grow during a period of self-driven stress within the NaNo format. I need to take this novel slower – and deeper – than any of mine have ever been before. It matters. Unlike my previous novels which I dismissed immediately they were born by calling them ‘pod-novels’ this novel really does matter.

So, I’m waiting until the hurt – both inside my whole family, and inside me, eases a little and we have decided what we are going to do about our life together. I’m waiting, and still thinking about the novel, still planning.

In the meantime, my own drive to write about writing has completely vanished. I have no energy for it. I should be telling you about the new Holly Lisle Redrafting course, and lots more. But I simply don’t have the energy for it.

Maybe I’ll return to this writing blog at a later date, but maybe I’ll close it down.

I’m glad that personally I can find I can still continue writing – if only on the fantasy that is Second Life. Blogging about that means I don’t have to think too much about real life, and sometimes that actually helps me. I’m not disappearing into SL, though – I stay away from that virtual world for long days and weekends now, and am feeling things get quietly more in control.

There is a readiness now to start planning for a different life – I’m not certain what it involves, but there is one surety – that sometime soon that novel will get written and it will be a hell of a good one, and it will be published.

And eventually our family will be okay just as it is now.

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This post was written by:

Michelle - who has written 262 posts on Juiced On Writing.

Michelle Thompson is building a career in both non-fiction and fiction writing. She's blogged for several years, and has previously written for arts, hobby and blogging themed magazines and websites. Her current work involves writing for some group blogs, pursuing a Second Life, and freelancing for some Second Life magazines. In fiction, Michelle is currently working on her second and third novels.

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