Back, Just

Well, I’m back. At least I hope I am. Not only did I take a much needed solstice from this blog and other writing projects over the last few weeks, but in that time the domain expired on, and I never received notification from my domain biller. I did receive notification at the same time for the hosting renewel, and several other domains I had purchased all at the same time a year ago, but not this one.

Hence the fact that unbeknownst to me, in my personal absense from the site the site went awol itself. If there are any readers left, my vast apologies. But the website seems to be up and working again, and I’m going to test it out with this remote post to make sure. No images on this one, just a test entry.

On a personal note – our family adoption went greatly wrong. The little boy we had lost our hearts to on paper, and promised in front of a panel of interogators to be the parents of – that little boy who we’d been waiting for, for over three years, and whom we built a bedroom for, found places for him in our community, and even worse – who we engineered an excitement and acceptance of in our six year old daughter over these long summer holidays…that boy didn’t exist when we went to meet him.

After four long wearingly days of going to see the little real boy, we had to make the hardest decision in our own lives. Due to some chronic behavioural and developmental issues, and missing information on his files, we had to look at our daughter and say – ‘No, he can’t come home with us, he’ll hurt our household, and he’ll hurt our daughter’ And we had to walk away.

Except you can’t walk away from that kind of thing. You find yourself going through a mourning process as heart-felt as any for loved ones who have passed away. The Social Services have put it down into one sentence – We failed to form the attachment needed. But that’s a lie to obscure the real truth of the situation around that boy, and it denies the fact that our family has been devastated by the loss of hope and an attachment to a boy on paper, now as intangible as any dream.

I’ve spent the past week after our decision crying, screaming, weeping, questioning, angry, inconsolable, but still having to return to work, and to the community with the news. There are so many people out there waiting to see that little boy walk along hand in hand with myself, so many people to explain that it wasn’t right, that the last three years of our lives have at this time been a waste of sacrifice. There are so many days when he was scheduled to be here with us, to be avoided by going off to zoos or museums or anything really to take our minds off it. And there’s the family to consider here, and the normal domestic routines, even school to go back to.

I’m still obviously – even to myself – running around lost and falling back into a body slowdown, trying to make everything appear normal for the sake of the family and for the sake of community members who can’t fathom these depths of feeling, of bewilderment, loss of trust of a process we’ve been in for so long, and loss of the hope – that’s the worst of all.

In all of this, I grabbed hold of one thing which could possess my mind even momentarily – I continued to develop my steampunk novel. I can’t yet start writing because I haven’t been able to grasp the very essence of the political motivation behind why my main character might go on his epic journey, but it’s nearly all there. There’s a world, a geology, a technology, even a storyline. In between the tears and anger, my new novel remains as a force of creativity and sanity in my world of slowdown.

Perhaps because my real life is less than wonderful at the moment, I also find myself shrinking away into my second life much more than I should. However, my characters within that virtual world have continued to grow along with time, and the blog is now gaining a readership. With that has come more of a need to retain those readers in the niche of which I’ve created the blog and my personas, and to also spend more time in-world to develop blog posts.

Happily, Second Life at the moment supplies fodder for my novel also – I am currently doing the rounds on a hunt for free gifts from over 100 Steampunk themed stores. Second Life has made Steampunk real, with many regions themed towards the culture. There are truly amazing contraptions and gadgets, architecture and fashion on display, and all add to the depth of the world I am building for my own novel. It’s actually working as a proper but productive escape, and I make no apologies for the focus at the moment on that blog and my own Second Life.

But reality and writing call, and I do have a post to write for this blog also, so it’s nice to see that I’m coming up for air and getting on with it a little better this week than last. One writing piece at a time.

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

No related posts.

This post was written by:

Michelle - who has written 262 posts on Juiced On Writing.

Michelle Thompson is building a career in both non-fiction and fiction writing. She's blogged for several years, and has previously written for arts, hobby and blogging themed magazines and websites. Her current work involves writing for some group blogs, pursuing a Second Life, and freelancing for some Second Life magazines. In fiction, Michelle is currently working on her second and third novels.

Contact the author

2 Responses to “Back, Just”

  1. Julie Ann Shahin Says:

    Hugs Michelle. I can’t even imagine what that must have been like for you and your family.

  2. Mary K Says:

    Words fail me. I am so sorry for your loss.